I’ll be going into hospital this Friday to have Intracranial Pressure monitoring done. It’s scaring me, so I went on Facebook looking for hugs. Or giggles.

In a Facebook group for low ICP and CSF Leaks, someone started a humour thread:

“The things consultants said that made you laugh/speechless?”

I’ve got a few of those!

My Canadian neurosurgeon did a shunt tap and measured my intracranial pressure with a needle and manometer in 2007: “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say, FUCK! before.”

Another one from my Canadian neurosurgeon, on asking me to perform a Valsalva maneuver: “Choke yourself!”

(Shades of Full Metal Jacket, anyone? NSFW.)

I looked at him like he was nuts, and asked if he was sure he wanted me to do that. He did indeed, but he actually meant, “press down on the jugular/carotid on both sides”: it temporarily relieves my symptoms, which suggests overdrainage.

Some really dumb people have asked if I’m an autoerotic asphyxiator, and of course I’m not. I don’t touch my windpipe, impede my breathing, or in any way derive sexual pleasure from this. It’s a simple Valsalva maneuver – that’s all.  People have sick minds.