My adopted sister, Claire, is getting married (steampunk-themed!) on 26 May and I’m busily accessorizing my steampunk outfit and choosing a hairstyle. It’s really fun window-shopping!
I had a semi-freakout about something this evening: my startle reaction. It is similar to the Moro Reflex, which disappears in babies by the age of two.
The startle reaction persists in me because it is caused by damage to my brain stem and cerebellum in infancy as a result of cerebral palsy. It will never go away, although certain types of stimuli, with repeated exposure, can become less likely to trigger it. In other instances, I will startle even if you warn me that a loud noise will occur, to the second it will occur. When warned, I can dampen the reflex by plugging my ears and tensing my muscles voluntarily. It might still startle me, but I’ll be less likely to be emotionally triggered by it.
How this relates to the upcoming wedding:
Odds are we’re going to be eating with large groups of people, which gets me nervous even if I don’t get startled (eating in public makes me nervous to the point of lying and saying I’m not hungry just to avoid it. Did I ever do that in Vegas when you were with us?). God help me if red wine is involved.
So DH has suggested, since we’re taking the scooter, if I get startled, for me to scooter away to somewhere quiet until the adrenaline stops. I have Diazepam, and I will use it then if I have to. It won’t stop it from happening, but it might short-circuit full-blown panic that occurs after the trigger.
(I said to DH, “I’m not fit for society.” He replied, “That’s why I love you.” AWWWWWWW! <3)
But in the past, when my startle reaction has been triggered, the reactions of people around me (from everything to trying to ignore it, horror, pity, AMUSEMENT! (some people actually think it’s funny!) and more inflated concern for a stain on a precious carpet than my emotional well-being) have sent me into blind, uncontrollable panic that results in embarrassing amounts of uncontrollable crying in public.
Being startled will cause me to utter obscenities. (If this bothers you, I don’t care.)
I will frequently go without fluids and get dehydrated than risk picking up an uncovered glass or mug because I never know what can trigger me or when it might happen. People drop forks on their plates, for example – it happens. That triggers me. It is horrid when it happens.
Sometimes people think that I should not be so upset when the triggering happened by accident. It doesn’t matter whether happened by accident or not. Motivations are irrelevant. The adrenaline surges I get are a result of things that happened with regard to the startle reaction when I was a kid: my stepfather tormented me whenever it happened, and soon began deliberately triggering it, making me jump, so that he and his two teenage sons could laugh at me. Once, when I’d had enough of this, I threw a table knife at him, which scored a satisfying superficial cut between his eyes. He kept on startling me anyways. I was never allowed to leave the area to calm myself and collect my thoughts (and stem the homicidal rage directed at the person who startled me).
So, I don’t care whether people mean for it to happen or not.
But it is appreciated when people make an effort not to trigger me on purpose. I can’t promise they will survive the experience.
